When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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