have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
