wakey wakey hands off snakey
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
