We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
