Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
BRING THE BAGELS
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
