im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize