Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
