They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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