We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
