I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize