Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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