i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
