I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
