so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
