It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize