Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
