woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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