I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
