I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
