Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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