The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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