I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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