If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
