if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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