The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
