so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
