this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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