So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
