I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
