Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize