Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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