why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
