he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
