Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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