we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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