Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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