Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Even my vagina gasped.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
