Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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