dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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