On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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