Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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