If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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