i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
