Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
