I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
