my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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