I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
