new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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