Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
