im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
