My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I want you more than these girls want KFC
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
