My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
