Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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