ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
