Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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