I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
