tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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