Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
