He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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