I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
